The temptation to reward myself with a punt at the end of a week was too hard to control. Cycling home from work past several venues, giddy and fidgety. I'd stop and put $50 through the machines with the feeling of excitement of anticipation thinking I'd walk out with my pocket stuff with cash. I'd give into the urge.
I'd often gamble when I was really happy. I had lucky machines I was convinced would pay out at certain times or I’d observe others put large amounts through the machine, then I jump on that left in the belief that I'd win back there money losing made me angry and frustrated. I frequently felt judged by others especially venue staff.
I wondered what they thought when they saw me make multiple trips to the ATM to get out more money. Only to leave closing time empty-handed after hours in front of the machines.
Giving up gambling. It's similar to quitting smoking some times it takes numerous attempts before you finally stop. I always judge myself an idiot after a binge. But I always got sucked back in. I'd hand over my credit card to my wife, but when she gave it back, I'd start again.
Recovery is like strength training for the mind. The urge to gamble always passes, and it lessons the more resist it.